What I know now but didn't know then....

                To all those who only want to read something by me that is Township related, this article is one you may just want to pass on.  This one is more about my personal reflections on how we relate to each other in our community.  It is equal parts reflective, mushy and personal just to give some warning to those curious persons who choose to continue.

                I had a life altering moment happen to me a little more than 5-years ago when my Mom passed away from cancer.  From the onset of what we all thought may have been the flu, to the diagnosis of multiple myeloma, to her death was only several weeks.  She was 79 years old and very much adored by many.  A cool lady.  Anyway, the “life altering” moment was my first experience with the deep pain of a death of a loved one.  Coming from a large family with many aunts, uncles and cousins, over the decades of my life I have lost many members, and felt the sadness that you expect.  But nothing like the loss of my own Mom.   When I reflected on this feeling (that still hasn’t really gone away), I understood for the first time the quiet pain everyone you come across may be feeling or struggling with.  No one walks around with a sign that says, “I have deep sadness because [Fill in the blank] died” or “I am sick, and maybe you can’t see it, but I’m in pain” or “my life has been filled with challenges and tragedy that you can’t possibly understand.”  We just can’t see it, but most of us live our lives with it. 

                This happened at the time I was the Judge for Lawrence Township.  It literally changed the way I viewed everyone that appeared before me that seemed angry, withdrawn, and disrespectful or scared.  Before experiencing what I was going through with the loss of my Mom, I would have engaged these people in a different, less empathetic way….maybe you can say more judgelike.  Demanding respect for the court and taking action that would establish my “control” of the courtroom. Or even meeting anger with anger.   But now I was much more reflective and reserved and consciously made efforts to be empathetic, respectful and compassionate.  Not in dereliction of my responsibilities as a judge, but definitely more aware of being human and understanding the people before me all have a quiet story that I knew nothing about.  I recall times when staff members would say to me that I was “too easy” on that guy because he was so disrespectful to them or me.  And I would just respond that they didn’t know that person’s story, and it’s ok to choose kindness and compassion over revenge or proportionate penalty. 

                For those that are reading this and can relate, you know the feeling that comes and goes when you least expect it.  The roller coaster ride of emotions that only seems to lesson just so slightly over time.  You definitely become part of a silent club when it happens to you.   Think of all of the people who appear perfectly and physically fine but may have had terrible childhoods, who struggle with alcohol or drug addiction, mental illness, have financial troubles they know they can't overcome.  Whatever it is.....we all have something...and we all handle these things differently.  Some better than others through no fault of their own.  

                I am certainly not saying I walk this Earth treating everyone one like I am the Dali Lama.  I certainly have moments that I regret and work hard to make better.   But wouldn’t it be great if we all were a little more aware of this quiet pain we all have?  It would lead to each one of us being more patient with others.  To be more compassionate, respectful and understanding.  When someone is angrier than they should be in a given situation, you may find it helpful to take a quick moment and tell yourself something more is going on with this person, and do what you can to deescalate it.  I think we all come across people that are mean, angry, or disrespectful for reasons that confound us, but my hope with what I’m writing is that we all try to understand there is most likely more “there” than we can ever know.  

                None of this would be a problem or even worthy of note if we all were kind and thoughtful.  That may be too much to expect, but we can all do our part.   Whether it is resident to resident, resident to municipal worker or municipal manager to taxpayer, we can all always choose respect and kindness and still communicate effectively.  Or...we can at least try! Let’s file this blog article away in my “reflections of a 50ish year old man folder.”